A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome."

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

"It's not unusual," replied the doctor.

Job Application
This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant.
NAME: Greg B
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Take me out of the ballgame,
Lets all leave in a crowd,
Owners and players are greedy hacks,
I don't care if they ever get back,
Cause it's like root canal when they're whining,
The way they act is a shame,
Cause it's ONE, TWO, THREE million bucks,
Just to play a game!!!

One of the main causes of the fall of theRoman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A Hacker, a Coder, and a Sys Admin walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some geeky joke?"

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

It's too bad whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

The best acceleration you can get on a Mac is 9.8 m/s^2

Little Kid's Books We'd Like to See:

'You Were An Accident'
'Strangers Have the Best Candy'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly!'
'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'
'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'
'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
'All Dogs Go to Hell'
'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
'Bi-Curious George'
'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'
'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
'You Are Different and That's Bad'
'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'